The peace of another typically idyllic summer afternoon in The Happy Valley was ruptured as one Ahmed Elmokadem strode confidently onto the hallowed soccer pitch of Curtis Field E. Fans immediately sensed that this would not be business as usual as Elmokadem jarringly threw down, boldly selecting a team consisting of only interns and himself. Accounts differ, but some say there were half-muffled laughs of derision at this choice. No dispositive documentation of this has been found to date. Said team was soon to become known as the "Young Punks", for reasons that should be self-evident. Yin to the Yang, team "Old School" materialized in opposition. Fans remarked in hushed tones how the geriatric name of this team belied the preternatural handsomeness and athleticism of its members.
Old School seemed to be caught off-guard initially, bewildered both by the falsetto yelps of defensive midi Maddie Gastonguay as well as the visually stunning and endlessly kinetic pink socks of Reed Freling. Faced with a 3-0 deficit, and gifted as they were with the wisdom of the ages, Old School slowed the pace of the game, passing judiciously through Josh and Yi in the backfield. A significant number of through-balls were generated from Josh, who clearly had a non-random preference for setting up Old School striker Janelle. Hajjar impressively converted on a number of these to draw the game to 3-3.
The middle third of the game was marked by parity. The YPs right midi Kiersten Utsey distributed the ball with remarkable presence of mind, generating a number of dangerous attacks from Elmokadem and Freling. OS's Rogers countered by sweating so profusely that the YPs offense thought twice before coming anywhere near him. OS's Yoni Sidi similarly limited the YPs damage, employing techniques learned as an Israeli soldier. The score held even until about 6-6.
At this point, OS's incorrigible trash-talker Jim Rogers made the fatal miscalculation of taunting Elmokadem, telling him that he played soccer like a Systems Pharmacologist. Captain E responded by deftly outmaneuvering Rogers and scoring, staring calmly at the vanquished as he did so. Old School never recovered. Freling's dizzying moves continued to break OS's ankles, only now at a more feverish pace. S. Russell locked down the YPs backfield. The OS tried to hail a passing ambulance for free IV solution and/or oxygen, to no avail.
Final score: Young Punks 10, Old School 7.